tomorrow.
(I'm hoping at least...)
Tonight was supposed to be a super fun night. It was the Barrister's Ball (commonly referred to as "law school prom"). It was supposed to be friends and dancing and food and fun. And it was. For a while. Then it turned into feeling weak and blacking out twice and having to leave the party early and crying the whole way home.
Tonight I'm done being Miss Sunshine and Bubbles. I'm tired of being sick. I'm tired of not being able to do regular things like dance with my husband without a ridiculous backpack strapped on. And without weakness and black-outs. I'm done with not being able to get season tickets for football in the student section because I can't stand for that long. I'm tired of not working and feeling like a huge drain to society. I'm done with always feeling like people are looking/staring or feeling sorry for me. I'm done feeling like I'm never truly part of the group because of my limitations. I'm tired of being hooked up to this stupid machine 24 hours a day. I'm done with people telling me that they think it would be awesome to not have to eat. I'm tired of never feeling beautiful or sexy because I have a giant cord attached to me and a kindergarten backpack attached to that. I'm done with not being able to have a "normal" life.
Luckily there were amazingly kind and genuinely nice people there tonight like Cameron & Becky & Jen & Jack & Tomu & the random security guard & Rylee. I got home safe and didn't get hurt and only blacked out twice and dry-heaved thrice. No permanent damage. I cried the whole way home thinking how unfair my life is and how much I hate it. Then I started thinking about how this Easter weekend I should be thinking of my Savior. And his infinite and all encompassing Atonement. Luckily I believe in the power of that same Atonement that can forgive me for being selfish and shallow and immature and impatient and a whiner and horrible.
I am SO in need of conference tomorrow.
In need of guidance and inspiration and chastisement.
In need of a reminder of my Savior's love.
May this weekend give my attitude a kick in the butt......
Remind me of all my very many blessings....
And help Miss Sunshine return.
